8.11.2009

no future or brighter one?

first of all, people, i wanna thank my Mom for crashing all of my dreams, all my life purposes for the past 6 years, since i was in the 4th grade; the dreams i've had together with my best friends; the dreams i never knew will be crashed this fast.


people are asking--many of them don't know, of course, why i seemed so emotional these days. the answer is only one: what if you lost your dream before you even get the chance to try it?

that's exactly what happened to me. let me ask you, people, what is the use of coming to school everyday, trying to become the smartest student, trying not to mess up everything you've been working on, trying to study hard while most of other students are playing computer and their facebooks and enjoying their spare time? the answer is again, only one: to get scholarship.

and the main question is: what will happen if the person i trusted the most, who practically rules everything about me, who always decides what is right and wrong for me, FORBID ME TO TAKE THE SCHOLARSHIP?

i've got the answer right here: i hate that person now.

imagine this. you only have 6 years to live and your dream is to go to heaven. you know that you can not enter heaven unless you could become the kindest person in the whole world. but you really want it, so you've spent your lifetime trying to become the kindest person. you avoid bad things--you do only goods. and it wasn't any easy. you have to control yourself not to follow other people who enjoys their lifetime doing inappropriate things. and at the end of the world, your chance finally come--it's the time to decide whether you can enter heaven or not. but the truth is you know you're ready cause you've been working for it. you know you can enter heaven. but suddenly at the heaven's door gate, an angel said this to you: "i forbid you to enter that heaven."
than you replied, "why?" and the angel said, "it's your sister who has to enter heaven, not you."
of course you then complained, "why my sister? she didn't do any good when she's alive. i was the good girl. not her. i deserve entering heaven way more than her."
but instead, the angel replied, "but SHE WAS BORN FIRST. and that's my final. PERIOD."


...if this happens to you, don't you wanna kill the angel or something?
let me explain this to you. that story means nothing other than the fact that you can lose your dream, and that's NOT because you have no ability to reach it--but it's because SOMEBODY FORBID YOU TO. which means other thing: a useless, futile, misspent 6 years in vain.


exactly what happened to me, okay? and this thing leads into another: i've broken my promise to take the scholarship together with my best friends. now i have to find a new dream. a new life purpose. cause this one is already crashed. and i have no chance at all to try to work it out. very... what do you call it? hmm, let me think,... i choose to call it: DISASTROUS.

i've been crying all night long. i sang 'the climb' by miley cyrus again and again so that i can get power to go through this. and i've been praying.

people said when a door of happiness is closed, God will open another one. maybe this is my fate. maybe this will lead into a brighter future. but there's one thing i never understand:

God, if you know that I will end up like this, why did You let me have an empty dream which is impossible to be reach? why did You let me spending useless 6 years dreaming? and why do You let my hopes get high before it finally fell off from a very high place, making it more painful?


now give me one good reason why i have to keep going to school and having good grades. cause i don't see any.


one lesson i learn from this: dreams and future are different things.




actually, i calmed down. i do realize that this isn't the end of the world. but can you imagine losing your dreams you've been having for 6 years?
like you just broke up with someone you've been dating for 6 years. of course you know it's not the end of the world. but can you immediately cheer up again the next second? who can? this wound needs time to heal, okay? i know i can find another dream--that's how it works. but please understand that i'm not a super girl who can handle everything. i tolerate almost everything except this one--sounds so lame huh.

by valya :) at 17:32 |